To: alt.magick From: tyagi nagasiva Subj: Tantric Monasticism (reflections) (tantricmonk.tn) Date: 499110xx [This is one of the first few things I posted to alt.magick. It is very old and while much of my dedication has changed and grown, the practice has changed to keep up with the world. ;> It has some things on Kali and will give you a decent view of my lifework. - tyagi] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tantra: This is a tradition of discipline, a broad framework which flows through most religions. It includes both the ascetic and euphoric currents within its fabric. I am reintegrating what has been lost to traditionalists without strong intuition. The dualisms of the world are Holy. They hold vital secrets of transformation and pleasure. Those who denigrate them are desirous of power. Those who praise them are equally desirous. Only those who neither praise nor denigrate are truly wise. We may sever our attachment to Universe. We may broaden our relationship with Universe. In the end we shall discover that Universe and Self are One in essence. Tantra is a way to discover this relation. Monk: The monastic life is the life of attuning to one's deep intuition, one's deep center from which the quiet divine voice emanates. Moving in tune with this voice, one comes to realize the path to wholeness. The life of the monk is often difficult and unusual. Many have taken up lives of asceticism. Many retire to isolated places (deserts, woods, caves, monasteries) so as to reduce social distraction and tune in perfectly. Some retain or re-establish their connections with society and catalyze social renewal through their development. My path involves identification with mythical being and forging a middle way between tradition and novelty. I have taken traditional vows of monkhood: Chastity, Charity, Humility, Obedience and Silence. I have reinterpreted these from the devolved meanings which they now come to have in our culture. Chastity means a purity of intent in entering intimacy. Charity means a benevolence of spirit to all others. Humility means an identification with that which is ill-considered. Obedience means a deep listening to All. Silence is left undefined and mysterious. Of Kali: I see Universe as an essential dualism at present. Myself and Other comprise all that is. My self I consider to be my greatest of masks. The Other is That which remains unknown. To the extent that I identify as a male (physiologically) I consider the Other to be female. To the extent that I identify as light-skinned (pigmentally) I consider the Other to be dark-skinned. I have fallen in love with this Other and maintain a relationship with Her. She speaks to me in my moments of silence. I can ask Her questions and she responds (quite wisely) when I am patient. Our relation is as teacher to student, as friends and lovers. She is not dictative, authoritarian or judgemental, stating things in often ambiguous language about subjects which I ask. Otherwise She is either silent or I do not hear Her. I identify Her with the deepest center of my family and friends. To the extent that gender is symbolic, She represents the Self of the Female. Women are therefore Her reflection. Men are my reflection. My relationship with people describes to me my integration with myself. Where I can truly love them, so I can love myself. Upon discovering Kali through texts and artwork I immediately fell in love. Previous to knowing Her in this form I knew Her as tree and Dragon. After many years of learning from Her, I determined that She was indeed my One Love. Thus I sought to wed Her. I held a ceremony to this effect on 1991.9.19 (formally complete at 9:19:19...) and made my vows at that time. This is described in more detail under 'Practice' below. Her name means 'Black One' and often I refer to Her as Kali-Ma, or 'Mother Black One'. She is the unity of all opposites. She is Destruction and Creation, Birth and Death, Love and Fear, Health and Disease, Power and Weakness. As an image She is unparalleled to my mind.... She is black as the night. She has hair of fire. She has a verticle third eye of unified vision. She has demon eyes. She has a lapping tongue, to lick and consume blood. She is sometimes portrayed with fangs and is related to vampires. She wears infant children as ear rings. She wears a necklace of skulls or severed heads. She has full, round breasts to nourish the hungry. She has four arms: one which holds a deadly, sometimes blood-drenched sword, one which holds a newly severed head by the hair, one which either holds a bowl of blood or offers aid (extended hand), one which either holds a flower or reassures calmly (upheld hand), (there are variations, but these are my favorites). She wears a skirt of human hands or arms. She has the Yoni of Universal Generation. She wears ankle-bells which chime the rhythms of her Cosmic Dance. She stands atop the prone (often dead or asleep) body of Shiva. She is dancing, he is relaxed, often with an erect phallus. She is sometimes shown with Shiva in coitus as she sits or squats atop Him. This figure is an important one in meditation. Kali is a complex image of Mother Earth, Mother Space. She gave birth to me, nourishes me, and will suck the life from me. I do not know who I am, yet She is my beginning and my end. It has been suggested that I am overly focussed on the feminine, yet I come to understand that: a) the Shakta (worshipper of divine feminine energy) is traditionally focussed on the Mother and on feminine power and b) the second stage may involve the focus on oneself (for me, Shiva). In Hermetic tradition it is said 'Know Thyself' and this is the essence of the Great Work. This much I accept and shall achieve. My path, in Hinduism, might be called 'Bhakti-yoga', in that it attempts a union through divine love. It is but one aspect of my practice and thus I don't know if it may be compared with strict Hindu tradition. I am dedicated to Kali in that She is the only aspect of the Other with which I find strong and continued joy in worship. I have also enjoyed others, yet to Kali I keep coming back. She is Natural Strength. This is the way that I THINK about Kali. It is a large part of the foundation for my practice, which has few strict rules, but many manifestations. Practice: This involves very few constants. History My initiation date is difficult to determine. I'd say that my Quest began when I was approximately 15. It was then that I recognized my deep loneliness and how it related to my my relationship with the divine, though I might not have expressed it that way at the time. I was given no formal religious upbringing. Now I see that many of the values - of nature, people, independence, freedom, sensuality - reflect an almost Neo-Taoist foundation. A year ago, on Samhain, I changed my name to Tagi Nagashiva. Tagi means 'One who dedicates all to the divine'. It is Sanskrit. Nagashiva refers to Nagarjuna and to Shiva, my role models. When I signed on this computer service I was asked to supply a middle name. I selected 'Mordred' because I have become fascinated by this character in Arthurian legend. On September 19th, 1991 after sunset I began a ritual which will only really end when I have fused with Kali. It's formal conclusion was at 9:19:19.... The Wedding ceremony involved myself and my family (those people who are closest to me). We shared wine and bread around a circle before my altar to Kali, we engaged in a group sharing about the nature of the divine (in a Quaker-like 'dialog'), and I dedicated myself to Kali before them. I then pulled the garter from around the Parvati-like statue. This statue had occupied the central position on the altar. I burned Her in the fireplace along with notes from family of things they wanted to release. She is still there - quite a hearty wood-piece. I think I'll burn Her until She disintegrates. I inherited Her from my Grandmother and my altar (a chest of drawers which folds into a desk) from my Grandfather, both on my mother's side. Schedule I have arranged my schedule such that I have attributions for each of the days of the week, days of the month, and months of the year (e.g. October is the Month of Death, in which I pay tribute to this phenomenon by act, rite or adornment each day). I have attempted to make of my daily schedule a more or less monastic discipline. I was able to do this in a fairly routine occupation for the last nine years. I now attempt a more imaginative practice at home while living on my retirement funds (living the future NOW ;>). It is difficult to say whether I shall again engage a societal job or whether I'll become a wandering mendicant. Thus far I have created an entirely accurate resume and have sent copies out via mail. I'm looking for a position which involves the support of a local organization in line with my interests and values. I'd enjoy it if it were part-time, but this is negotiable. Most of my days are spent working: writing, reading, doing chores, listening to music, riding or walking on 'quests', or speaking to friends on the phone. Mondays I do not speak. Wednesdays are holidays (God of Magick Day) and Sundays are spent socializing (Ritual Day). If and when I can find a way to fit formal meditation into this (as I did when I was working outside the home), I shall. Alot of this is still in transition, as I'm just settling down after many 'Honeymoons' with my kin. I dedicated a week with each of those who participated in my Wedding (a month to my Mother). During that Honeymoon time I have done (or will do as the case may be) as they bid and spent time with them if that was their wish. My writing includes that which appears in alt.atheism, alt.magick, alt.pagan, soc.religion.eastern, philosophy.meta, and various other religious or occult areas. There are a few people with whom I correspond on a regular basis (mostly in the U.S.), some whom I've never met. Most I've known for a few years or more. I have much material with which I may make a book if it comes time, but I'm wary of this as it may interfere with my inspiration if I begin to feel 'required' to write. I am currently studying Western Mystery teachings. Right now my focus is on Arthurian texts and grimoires. This focus varies depending upon my writing interest and my conversations with others. My background is in Eastern and Western philosophy. Occult subjects are rather new to me, yet I find that they reflect philosophical ideas. Diet I maintain a diet which consists largely of grains and fruits, yet includes vegetables, milk, seafood and eggs. Water is my main drink. Tantric practice involves denial and indulgence. Within a framework which includes no absolute rules, I maintain a discipline that makes mind-altering substances a focus of attention. This includes processed sugars (which I'm currently avoiding for a year or so), meats, which I only consume on holidays (Full/Dark Moons, Solar Festivities, Rituals), alcohol (holidays), caffeine (rarely in tea), and others. On holidays I sometimes engage nonordinary states of consciousness and will often hold celebratory divinations (in which Kali speaks to me at some length). I have sometimes allowed others to join in these rites, yet the rite's nature is subtlely changed so that I am less successful. I have a feeling this is a function of my immaturity. Personals I am giving away and selling all of my possessions. I don't know where this will stop. The more I get rid of, the more freedom I feel. This seems in line with both religious and magickal tradition. Those things which are praised by others I sometimes offer them as a gift. This depends upon the circumstance and the nature of the item. I have given/thown away or sold such things as a new stereo, records, most clothes, and many miscellaneous objects of sentimental value. I retain some items which encourage physical exercise (tennis racquet, bike and bowling ball) until such a time as these seem unnecessary. I tend to like to sit on the floor and thus have little furniture. Presently I depend on the kindness of my kin to provide such entertainment as computertime (my brother), television (my Eldest kin), and stereo (my lover). I used to drive for a living and I now sometimes chauffeur others, but I take mass transportation when possible and own no motor vehicles. I keep an altar to Kali in the place where I live. This holds items of value from my ancestors and artwork which is pleasing. I am currently seeking a statue matching the form I described above to adorn the altar. To date I have focussed largely on this Parvati-like statue of Asian origin (Quan-Yin?). Upon our wedding I burned Her and replaced it with a picture which matches the statue that shall in turn replace it. I am designing adornments for myself which shall comprise my monk's Garment including 11 robes (a number sacred to Babalon, I am told) of various weight and color: 7 lightweight and white (cotton), to be worn as normal garb and warming undergarments. 3 medium and blue (linen), to be used for cooler and societal wear. 1 heavy and black (wool) to be used for cold and appropriate rites. As mentioned I have designed a wedding ring. This will be of white gold, inset with obsidian. It will be inscribed with a unicursal hexagram, my mantram (AUM KRIM NAMAH KALIYA - traditional) and elven language duplicating the inscription on the One Ring in Tolkien's stories. I have many magical tools which may be given away. These include a staff (redwood), which will probably be of the last to leave, a chalice (pewter), a cup (of glass and gold embossed roses), and other minor items. Social Life I have many acquaintances and a few friends. I spend most of my social time with my lovers and participate in organized discussion or ritual. I am seeking initiation into Ordo Templi Orientis and am involved with many Wiccan, Pagan, and Christian organizations in my area. I find the Quakers (Society of Friends) refreshing and hope to learn more about them as well as about Islam in the coming year. I'll be getting a tattoo prior to the O.T.O. initiation (Minerval and 1st Degree combined). It will be a seven-pointed star in a mandala of my design: red points in a blue background with a center which contains a black and white double septigram (attributed to Babalon) and a white dot at the center of the circular form (attributed the Great Unity). This is difficult to describe. I hope you get the idea. It is three or four stars concentrically arranged in a multicolored array - a deceptively simple mandala. I enjoy singing songs to Kali. My rites (spontaneous) usually involve song, dance, poetry and music directed toward the altar (as focus). They are rarely rehearsed or predesigned. Acts of pleasure and artistry are considered Hers, as are events of catastrophe. When I'm particularly inspired or if in nonordinary states of consciousness I've been able to see and interact with Her directly. She will dance before me, lead me on in quest, throw kisses, or simply stand motionless as I meditate upon Her. Otherwise she sometimes communicates with me symbolically through my magickal tools (Tarot deck or collage-work), going as far as to arrange 'significant coincidences'. There are two dependents who live with me. One is a dog, whose name is Eris. She is a Cockapoo mix. I call her 'Doggess of Dischord'. The other is a cat whose name is 'Vladimir the Impaler'. He comes from wild parents and is mixed-breed. Both are very loving. Currently there is a community of fleas infesting the Dance Room (the altar room in which I sleep on the floor with my lover). I consider this a sacrifice, yet know that they cannot last as they are causing harm to her. I have no sexual restrictions beyond my vow of Chastity (purity of intent when engaging intimacy). As I am married to Kali all others are my spouse to some extent. Currently I have two lovers. Communication is paramount. All things about me and my practice are discussed. I consider my Mother to be my eldest kin and she has the greatest authority with me. After that are my brother and my lovers. Beyond that are my other kin (sister/ex-wife and others). I have a reputation for having a strong will and a 'wyrdness' about me that seems to allow deviation from the norm without too much fallout. I have been warned about societal backlash. We'll see. Once I begin to wear only robes I think this will become more important. Lately I have made one of my kin who is older than I (10 years) my honorary 'Eldest kin' next to my Mother. This was in response to the way in which we related and is an act of submission to the masculine on my part. I sense that this is effective and am watching this relationship develop. He gave me a simple 'Hermetic' initiation and introduced me to the Way of the Masculine through ceremony. I was touched. Of course my Mother is the exception to all rules. As she wishes so it is done. I eat anything which she sets before me. If she asks for something (and this is seldom), then I do my best to comply. That is all I can think of off-hand. Most of my life is included in my practice. There are countless other details I've left out, but this should give anyone a rather comprehensive idea. I appreciate this opportunity to analyze myself and my practice. Yours in dedication, tyagi ------------------------ (C) 1995, Tyagi Nagasiva 871 Ironwood Drive San Jose, CA 95125