50000323 IVom kali

questions which occasionally emerge within neo-tantric communities are
about how to approach one's partner(s) who are resistant to beginning 
or learning about tantra or what it means to a sincere aspirant. 
here are some suggestions I have offered for such individuals:

dysfunctional relationships in which there is serious interest in tantra

if dysfunctional partners wish to engage tantra, then the first obstacle 
will be their antipathy and the obvious artificial nature of their 
relationship. unfortunate though it may be, they deserve the type of 
relationships that they choose. I would encourage them to change or 
replace them if they are dissatisfied with them.

there are some for whom the context of unhappiness and distance
would be PERFECT for tantric sexual practices. that is, if there ever 
was lustful attraction present, it has apparently vanished or 
evaporated. those in commited relationships will have acclimatized 
in bonding and therefore have worked out at least some of the practical
details of coordination (though some of the rudiments may need to be
rearranged). 

indeed why should the happiness come before the practice? why not work 
with what one has and then let the happiness come as an INDICATOR that 
what they are doing is correct? if nothing comes from this, then I
encourage changing (adding?) or replacing your relationship(s) where
discontent continues. otherwise, consider doing tantric exercises
with someone other than your chosen mate(s). perhaps if you express
your sincere interests and desires to merge these with your partner(s)
some of the resistance, given the alternative of your impending 
distance or intimate engagement elsewhere, will decrease.


those having relationship problems who wish to take up tantra 

I would encourage you to get some counselling from someone local. 
I've experienced relationship counselling more than once and felt 
that I benefitted by it tremendously. it helped that both my 
partners of the time and I were very careful to watch out that the 
counsellor didn't take sides or play favourites.

it is possible that there are communication problems between
you, your partner(s) may be feeling overextended or severely 
challenged, and that the available trust is insufficient to 
withstand a venture into complicated or challenging sexuality.
if so, regaining their trust may the first step in resolvng 
the situation.

it probably doesn't have to be a now or never affair. perhaps 
the attitude of your partner(s) will change as your relationship 
matures and, if trust in you and your judgement increases, as 
you grow and change your range of interests.

on the other hand, sometimes if we do not secure what we truly 
need we will resent the party we see as obstructing our needs 
for many years to come -- in such a case it is valuable to make
very clear what our priorities are so that informed choices can 
be made, even if painful.

I'm not trying to provide one 'stream' of advice here. my guesses
are at odds here because you will know where you fit in and react
accordingly.

sometimes the shortest distance between two points (following on the
notion that we often prefer to continue relationships rather than to
eliminate them) is not a straight line. there have been times in my
relationships that one of us had to lay out a clear line of
demarcation and, at the proper time, say 'that is too much, I am acting 
to affect our relationship to incorporate more of what I need', and 
we were both transformed through this event. sometimes we came back 
later to a more complete and full partnership after such a firm
but loving breakage/change, sometimes the change was too great and
we broke in a painful row. if there is not too much enmity already 
in your lives, then you'll want to do things to please your partner(s)
in some way. 

proceed with the understanding that most people in the universe 
will have some kind of issues, the topology of our tantric
landscape will in some measure be determined by these issues, and
sometimes personal differences become irreconcilable between partners.

the main problem with leaving a long-term partnership and moving on 
over an irreconciliable difference (something that I have done more 
than once and have had others do it with me) is that a certain amount
of coordination and groundwork has been accomplished in terms of
communication and familiarity, a foundation from which to worship.
scrapping a present relationship for a potential future or actual
alternative means that this foundation will need be reconstructed,
albeit with different building materials from differing personal
histories and meshes. given that TIME is a limited resource, one's
objective as regards relationships and the deepness of intimacy
(for some the ultimate aim of tantrism, to cosmic interpenetration)
will of necessity be a determining factor in such decisions.


in general

the goal would seem to be negotiating some kind of arrangement whereby 
all concerned are satisfied. perhaps seeing the situation in terms of 
identifying everyone's goals and which can be met, this might act to
simplify the situation.

sri catyananda has some sage advice on this subject within her "Biological 
Basis of Sacred Sex": 
   If you are in a committed relationship and become interested in tantra or
   karezza, you should be cautious in bringing the subject up with your
   partner. He or she may take your interest as evidence that you are
   disinterested in "normal" sex or may feel you are disparaging his or her
   sexuality as not "good enough" for you. Your partner may think it is
   "unromantic" to discuss biologically-based spirituality or that sexual
   activity requiring a bit of practice is less "spontaneous" than untutored
   sexual activity. Be prepared to deal with these concerns patiently.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
   http://www.luckymojo.com/tkbiologicalbasis.html

in particular the "secularization" of tantra can be of great value to
those who have differences of cultural and cosmological perspective.
sometimes the intensity of attention-based sex scares people who think
it will necessarily include all manner of activities that they may feel
are offensive to their religious perspective. certainly some lineages
of tantra will include these types of religious disciplines and it may
be valuable (at least initially) to avoid these versions at least at
first where they conflict with your relationship in some way.

symbolism can even serve as a lead-in to physical intimacy.
for example, the rank beginner may find it best to use a symbolic 
stand-in for tantric sex, whether something like the Wiccan Chalice 
and Athame, some focus on statues or paintings of deities, or a 
magical communion symbolized by agrarian standards such as grains 
and fruits as part of a festivity. 

think of it like a business negotiation with someone you love. with 
contesting interests the best you may be able to manage is a compromise.
now in a compromise BOTH sides give somewhat towards the goals that each
have in mind. you may feel that you have given too much (e.g. in terms 
of patience, holding off on going outside your relationship, trying to 
just expose your partner(s) to what you want slowly in the hopes that 
they'll come around, etc.). and what has your partner given? in all
likelihood you are part of an ongoing relationship in which parties may 
*already* feel overextended, no matter how you feel or what the reality 
of the situation may be. this makes matters all the more complex. 

the main thrust of my recommendation is to sit down and have a
serious discussion in which you assess where you are with this subject
and your relationship, not to make any decisions one way or another
but to find out what the resistance is REALLY about, whether and how
much you are really trusted, and whether your interests are able to
be integrated into your relationship or if you will need to (partially?)
dissolve it. then reflect on the discussion for a few days at least
and consider the alternatives, perhaps consulting your personal
sources of reflection.

when I have felt that I was stagnating in a relationship this was 
an indicator of my lack of patience. at these times I would seek
reflection in meditative composure, divinatory devices, and
sounding from people who know me best before taking any life-
changing actions.

only you can tell how to proceed. this medium is insufficiently
local to your situation to make many insightful assessments. too 
often people of differing conditions generalize that everyone is
alike to them and recommend their own procedures or condemn what
they deem as 'irresponsible practice', ignorant of this variance in
the needs of aspirants.

good luck and namaste, kin.

nagasiva@luckymojo.com