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Newsgroups: alt.zen,alt.magick.tyagi,alt.philosophy.zen,talk.religion.misc
Subject: Re: Zen monk needs help
Date: 17 Nov 1995 12:19:21 -0800
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|...a Soto Zen monk/priest living in the UK.  

your station is such that perhaps only your Master could guide you best

|I often teach people the basics of zazen and zen practice (I am after all 
|just a priest, not a master or a teacher), and often I find myself talking 
|about 'the dark night of the soul'.  The thing is that I've finally had to 
|admit that I'm going through some sort of dark night of the soul.  
|In fact I have been for years.  

the 'Dark Night of the Soul' is a Christian Contemplative experience which
 has taken on popular meaning as a kind of psychospiritual malady.  surely
 there are similar despairing sutras within the Japanese and/or Chinese
 cultures that could be used for inspiration during this trial

I recommend a book called _Zen Inklings: Some Stories, Fables, Parables,
 Sermons, and Prints, with Notes and Commentaries_, and in particular a 
 story to be found within it called 'The Swordsman', which concerns a
 Kendo Master and his path through several uncertain times.  there is
 much to be gained by a study of Existentialism in regards the emotions
 of despair and their relationship to the esoteric sciences.  and if you
 need a laugh to shake off some dark mood, have a gander at Smullyan or
 Zippy the Pinhead

on the whole I suspect that such traumatic experiences are the equivalent
 of Mara's temptations and part of the journey unto awakening.  our best
 approach to these may be to engage them fully, learn what they have to
 teach us, and, at the last, release them with all other emotional and
 intellectual elements

my Abyss suggests the following works by a Zen Buddhst local to us:

  _The Depression Book: Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Practice_  
   By Cheri Huber, 1991, published by A Center for the Practice of Zen
   Buddhist Meditation.

  _Regardless of what you were taught to Believe, There is Nothing Wrong 
   with You_, by Cheri Huber, 1993, published by Keep it Simple Books.

my understanding is that there was an association between this center and
 an local Zen Buddhist temple (Kannon Do, in Mountain View).  since then
 the publishing of Ms. Huber's books has been handled by an organization
 called Compassionworks, which can be reached via phone at: 800/337-3040.

Kannon Do can be reached at P.O. Box 91, Mountain View, CA, 94042.  I've
 visited there a few times and enjoyed the grounds and the sitting folks
 whom I met.  we once hosted a delegate-monk to the Haus here, and he
 seemed very cordial and clear in his expressions
 
|..while I still have faith in zazen - I don't feel worthy of it.  

I wouldn't recommend engaging instruction of others at this point, but that
 is your decision.  sometimes a firm egotistical streak keeps the discipline
 going where a feeling of unworthiness can lead to slacking

|I have no faith in my teacher, or my immediate sangha 

this is what inspires me to suggest a continued counselling with your Master,
 or at least some movement on your part if you feel overwhelmed by these
 despairing currents.  it can be difficult to engage those kinds of feelings,
 and at times we need to get assistance from others to work through them

|and quite frankly I'm seriously contemplating suicide.  

I'm sorry for your pain, and I may know something of it.  having been at
 least driven to seriously contemplate and approach an attempt at suicide,
 I can testify to its rationality in the face of deep personal pain.  know
 that others have felt similarly and that many of us have found ways to
 bear and benefit from having been through that pain

|Life just seems so empty and I just feel totally worthless.  I can't seem 
|to stop myself from being self destructive and negative.  

you may be self-destructive and negative for some time to come.  that is
 part of who you are, as you describe it.  can we see when these kinds of
 feelings and thoughts come into our minds, as a result of what stimulus, 
 etc.?  watching it rise and fade in context can be a very beneficial 
 practice, I have found, even when I felt overcome by the issues themselves

|I know the answers in my head but they just don't seem to get beyond that.  

of what answers do you speak?  are intellectual things the solutions to
 all our kung-ans?  when will the Buddha set us upon a contermplation-
 target the likes of which we have heretofor never grappled?

|Can anyone help me with this, however foolish it may seem?

folly is the Buddha's sweet tear-drop.  dance in the streets but wake, wake!