I had abandoned all discipline(s) as of 4/1/92 (God of Magical Fool's Day). By the third week I was ill, and, by this week, more determined than ever to get back to it. Previously I had based it in my employment schedule or the lack thereof. This new employment scheme (Graveyards, two or three nights a week) was throwing me a curve ball. Since all was in transition, suspension of discipline seemed the most wise course. It became a Fool's Experiment. How much did I really want the structure, the self-imposed restricton? All these things were gradually coming into my mind as I serendipitiously wandered into suffering.
On 4/22/92 I set out on the fourth of my shamanic sojourns. These had become rather spontaneous ventures into the Twilight world with Cannabis as my guide. The previous three, while taxing, had proven quite illuminating, resulting in the basis for a system of Elven Taoist Magick complete with color-scheme orientation (see [below]) and an association system of deep meaning.
North (Black) (Blue) (Green) \ | / \ | / \ | / West (Violet) _ _ _ _ _ _ East (Yellow) / | \ / | \ / | \ (Red) (Orange) (White) South
These included the trigrams of the I Ching. I then began, with some success, to match up the I Ching with the Tree of Life (Tao, Yin, Yang, and trigrams paired with each [sephira]). Eventually I arrived at a tentative pairing, which then compared to Crowley's and, after contemplating, decided I'd need further study of both in order to be sure of the final product.
I had arranged the Sanctum Sanctorum (S.S.) walls to fit into this color-scheme, assisted with expertise by Soror Lika [Lisa Karpinski -- the name is NOT one that i am aware she ever took; not only are these the first 2 letters of her first and last names, but they are the involution of my God, Kali, and i probably realized this and was paying her homage as my Abyss/Abbess]. She accompanied me on one of the sojourns and, from the necessary perspective, provided valuable suggestions and arguments regarding decor. It is not yet complete as i write this, [i later completed the room and added much depth to its symbolism beyoond this; see 'Liber Sanctum Sanctorum'] yet all elements (posters, pictures, cards, diagrams) have their assigned places.
The most important development was that Kali's placement changed. Originally I had maintained the black/Mother/Kali association with North. To this day I see Her there and have so far maintained an altar in this quarter, yet Her pictures have now been moved to the West (a combination of red and blue) Southeast (a fiery orange background dominates the angry Kali), and one in the North (a dark image).
There are now pictures of Shiva in the SS also (E and NW/SW). This brings up the possibility of a new green Kali, yet only on the basis of color and symmetry. In any case, now Kali & Shiva are throughout the room, not just relegated to a particular wall or corner.
Kali in the West (Red and Blue) is attached to the Yoni-veil which serves as a curtain. In this way She is now no longer directly associated with the altar. Even the Shiva statue is now in the southwest, atop the computer monitor, where He becomes the illusory center of Creation within the Kosmos of the poster behind Him (The Magus) for those who sit and type at the terminal.
Having thus arranged the S.S. I proceeded to enter the Twilight Realm on 4-22-92 during the afternoon. I first wrote and then enlisted Cannabis as my guide. She took me to a place where Kali was very near.
Kali directed my attention to the East, whereon was located a poster of a man, holding two staves in his hands, as if entering a doorway. He faces a hillside, upon which is an ancient diagram of a giant holding two lines (staves?, door edges?).
Kali had previously shown me the connection between a picture of the Tree of Life and this man. The pillars of Jochim and Boaz fit perfectly over the two stages the man holds.
Yet now She was indicating that I consult the diagram of the Tree of Life itself. She bade me examine the sephiroth and their color-scheme. She described the S.S. as existing upon a particular place on the Tree, with my current orientation in the center of the room.
I recognized this as between Tiphareth and Kether, just before Geburah and Chesed. See below.
(Red) ___________ (WINDOW) | (VEIL) ______________ (Blue) Geburah | Chesed COMPUTER | me / CENTER ALTAR | | CLOSET _____________ Tiphareth (Yellow) ____________ | (Orange) | (Green) Hod | Netzach Yesod (Violet) | | Malkuth (Variable; Black?)
There was only one inconsistency in the colors. Kether was portrayed as white and Daath was absent in the picture on the wall. Where I had violet (and the veil and Kali) was supposedly the edge of the Abyss. Kali told me as much and I asked Her about it. She said that She was as much the Veil as the Vehicle to the Other Side, and that I was now situated on the brink.
I asked Her many questions which amounted to requests to describe the Abyss. She, in essence, responded that this was beyond reason's abiity to apprehend. I determined to at least research it and come to even a fallacious understanding.
Since that time I discovered that this path which connects Kether to Tiphareth is a Sword, the High Priestess, II, and is associated with Moon. It seems important to me that Moon, Yesod, is associated with the color violet and that my system of association sets Moon & Water in the West.
It was suggested to me that after one crosses the Abyss one finds oneself in Malkuth (i.e. that Kether & Malkuth are really the same). This would identify Daath and Yesod, Abyss and violet.
I am yet unfinished with research regarding the Abyss, yet find it immensely interesting, as I always have. Crowley describes the two great Feats of a magician's career as the K & C of the HGA and the crossing of the Abyss. I am now content in assuming that I've discovered my HGA (Kali) and entered into K & C with Her.
What remains in the crossing of the Abyss may well be the
restructure of my life i am presently enacting. Perhaps it will be the
trigger for some subjective expeirence to which the 'crossing of the
Abyss' refers. I cannot say. All I know is that if:
A) Kali is not simply a phantasm of which I have been given absolute evidence to the contrary, and B) Kali is my HGA which I'm hard-pressed to deny given the accounts and descriptions of this relationship in comparison, then C) Her description of my 'place' on the Tree must be accurate.
What this means I do not yet know. It seems very lofty indeed. I hope that the other side of the Abyss is Malkuth so that I can return to the Lowest of the Low. Of course I could turn around and head down the Tree, but this would mean turning _away_ from Kali (by S.S. standards) and toward the Sun/Son, for which I presently have little taste. Therefore I head Westwards and upwards upon he orientation of the Tree Itself.
I shall research the Abyss therefore, and come to some knowledge about That which lies at the edge of Knowledge. So far it seems a veritable Garbage Heap Hell ruled by Shaitan Himself. Yet it also seems a River or Oceano, so I am perplexed. 'Bottomless' is the literal meaning of the term 'Abyss', but who Choronzon is and to what this Path of the Sword/Moon/High Priestess leads are as yet unfathomable to me.
Kali says that in crossing the Abyss we shall not leave one another. Yet we shall also not be in the same relation. I can only guyss, from recent exposure to the devotees of Shiva, that my journey 'across this Abyss' shall entail a more in-depth ventue into myself.
In temporary amazement and confusion...
Tagi Mordred NagaSiva, 4-25-92 (10:45am), House of Tara, Oakland