Path: Supernews69!usenet65.supernews.com!news.iquest.net!www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!newsfeed.direct.ca!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.io.com!not-for-mail From: ix@xanadu.io.com (Lupo LeBoucher) Newsgroups: alt.satanism,alt.atheism.satire,alt.atheism Subject: Bible Punting! (was the bible as a weapon) Date: 30 Jun 1997 22:28:31 GMT Organization: Illuminati Online Lines: 104 Message-ID: <5p9buf$2ku$1@nntp-3.io.com> References: <19970627101701.GAA23704@ladder01.news.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: xanadu.io.com X-Newsposter: trn 4.0-test56 (2 Mar 97) Xref: Supernews69 alt.satanism:72751 alt.atheism.satire:25875 alt.atheism:487755 -----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- In article <19970627101701.GAA23704@ladder01.news.aol.com>, Strik99 wrote: >I don't know the bible might make a pretty good weapon, espescially if you >have one of thos big hardback ctholic ones. It's big and heavy, blunt >object make fiarly good weapons, like book ends, and bibles. >Too bad it can't pound common sense and logic into those dense (empty?) >Xtian skulls. Back at the University, Dr. Eduard Morbius taught me a nifty game; Bible Punting. You see, every year, at around autumn, when the poor lost soul freshmans enter the university for the first time, the Campus Crusade for Christ sets up a free bibles and ice cream stand. The good Doctor and myself would heartily avail ourselves of the icecream, engaging whatever charming bible bunnies were available in flirtatious conversation. Once our blood sugar reached an appropriate level for the task at hand, which generally coincided with being overtly lewd to the bible bunnies (thus loosing their attentions), we set ourselves to the task at hand. Calipers were produced, and the appropriate measurements were noted in the logbook; "Brother Lupo, This unit measures 23 centimeters by 4.2 centimeters by 10.3 centimeter, plus or minus a millimeter." "Noted" "Mass is 357 grammes" "check 357 grammes" "It appears to use a glued signature binding to a polyvinyl coated softcover, manufactured in the United States; have you calculated the moments of inertia, brother Lupo?" "I have them here, Dr. Morbius; assuming initial impulse on the spine, this unit appears to have excellent rotational characteristics; low probability of chaotic rotation. Brother Bubba is here with the book of wagers; are we ready to commence?" "Excellent; Brother Bubba, what odds will you give on that Biryani truck over there?" The steely eyed master of wagers squinted & scratched, "10:1 against" "Excellent, I wager $1.00; Brother Lupo, prepare the Bible" The growing circle of observing clean shaved Christers, big haired gum-smacking tarts, and drooling rubes were shooed aside to make way, and the bible was planted in the grass with the traditional application of one finger. Dr. Morbius stretched his arms out from his sides like some great Joe Namouth, nimbley sprinted forward and SPLONK! The good book described a beautiful arc skyward, tumbling end over end like the bone tossed into space by the ape-man in Kubricks Magnum Opus, 2001. The leaves of the bible came open at the top of its trajectory, and it fluttered magnificently to the ground spooshing and flarting amongst a big group of screeching undergraduates. We all clapped politely. "Double or Nothing!" Huffed the good Doctor. "Done" SPLONK!!! More fluttering pages, the undergraduate herd starts to panic, as biblical punishment hurtles from the sky. "Drat! Foiled again!" The great Dr. Morbius, unflustered in defeat, ambled up to the spluttering bible hawkers, pumping their hands up and down in a hearty handshake; "Your Bibles are of superior construction; fine binding, good sturdy cover, excellent aerodynamic characteristics and a good bounce. Thank you *very* much. I'll have better luck next year I am sure." We left the christians burbling and mumbling in shocked indignation. *snif* Ye gods but I miss bible punting at the old Alma Mater (And for all you mouth-breathers who think this is a fictional account; yer wrong; Dr. Morbius [not his real name] is actually a moderately famous Quantum Gravity theoretician working with a Really Famous person of the same description) - -Lupo "In dee wiyuld, wee are primarily carneeevorous" -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: 2.6.2 iQCVAwUBM7gyQicsgtzX0WgdAQFf3wQAn488VjLq4pWudmr6MwaylWPtYkv/SVzK 41Am+GhjPgbAAxvMlGAAULRGYm3jGr11MBOSPn7uYfR5afLiozSgT4MDrQ57+atr g5T2zYxDKH9g7R0KcSkqmaOAW9xULFyUmbsVo8AeTLcu+D35SlJmNw0R/SELNi2s k97gmcbFKUo= =V3zD -----END PGP SIGNATURE-----