The Thelemite Test
This page and all contents copyright 1997 by John L. Smith

by Someone Who Should have Known Better

(Originally presented in IAO Camp's Herald-Tepaphone Vol. 1, Number 2.)

There is perhaps no better way to start an argument than to pose the question of just what is or is not "Thelemic," or who is or is not a "Thelemite." This issue has long been in need of resolution, and here at the Propaganda Ministry we have devoted a wholly absurd amount of time to this very issue. We now present the results of our labours in the form of an easy and objective test that will allow the reader to finally determine, once and for all, his and/or her essential Thelemicness, Thelemitude, andThelemicity.

Scoring: Unless otherwise specified, give yourself one point for each correct answer; if you don't know the correct answer (and it's not always "yes"), then you got it wrong. Grade scales are at the end of the test.


A: Personal Information


Were you raised Catholic?
Did you flirt with Satanism in your youth?
With Wicca?
Do you wear mostly black?
Do you wear a Pentagram?
Do you wear a Unicursal Hexagram?
Do you wear a funny hat?
Have you ever had asthma?
Do you shave your head?
Do you have the reputation of being a "Black Magician?"
Do you object fundamentally to this test even though you're already getting 100 percent?

B: Questions of the Law


How many copies of Liber AL do you own ? (One point each, limit ten. Include copies published separately or as part of a larger book but not electronic copies.)
Are you offended by The Book of the In-Laws?
How many "Secret Fourth Chapters" of Liber AL have you read? (One point each, limit ten.)
Have you written any "Secret Fourth Chapters" of Liber AL?
Have you written any commentaries on Liber AL?
Do you accept the "Short Comment?"
Do you understand it?
Did you actually burn your first copy of Liber AL?
How many copies of Liber OZ have you posted? (One point each, limit ten. Internet postings do not count.)

C: Bibliomania

[Electronic copies and photocopies do not count in this section.]


Do you collect Crowley books?
Do you have more Crowley books than any other kind?
Put together?
Was the last book you read a Crowley book?
Do you have multiple copies of any Crowley books other than Liber AL?
Do you own any first edition Crowley books?
Do you own a set of the Equinox? (Bonus point if it's a first edition)
Do you collect Kenneth Grant books even though you think he's a complete cheesehead?
Do you collect books that simply mention Crowley?
Do you make friends with people just so you can borrow their books?
Do you refer to Crowley books by their initials?
By their numbers?
Do you build your library around the reading lists in the back of MTP?


D: Hardcore Than Thou?


Do you actually say "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law"instead of "hello?"
Do you actually say "Will" before every meal?
Do you actually do Resh four times a day?
Do you read Fundamentalist Satanic Conspiracy books just to see if you are mentioned therein? (Bonus point if you were.)
Do you actually refer to non-Thelemites as "Trogs"?
Do you actually say "APO PANTOS KAKODAIMONOS" to any clergy you happen to meet?
When looking for a place to live, do you do you consider a building'sorientation to Boleskine?
Do you choose your phone, PO Box, PIN, or license plate numbers for Qabalistic reasons?
Do you date your checks Thelemically?
How many copies of the Thoth Tarot do you own? (One point each, limit ten.)
Have you ever "worn one out?"
Do you play card games with the Thoth Tarot?
How about "strip" card games?
Would you name your daughter "Nuit Ma Ahathoor Sappho Hecate Jezebel Lilith?"
Would you name your dog "Because?"
Do you make a point of buying 93-octane gasoline?
Do you wear your Magical robes around the house?
Around town?
Do you refer to the founder of modern Witchcraft as "Brother Gardner?"
Do you make a particular point of this when around Wiccans?
Do you get all the obscure in-jokes in this test?

E: Crowleyanity


Do you demand 12 October off from work/school for "religious reasons?"
Do you actually like Crowley's poetry?
How many reincarnations of Aleister Crowley do you know? (one point each, limit ten.)
Are you the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley?
How many pictures of Aleister Crowley do you have on your walls? (One point each, limit ten.)
Do you make pilgrimages to places Crowley visited?
Have you ever "poured over maps of New Hampshire" in search of Lake Pasquaney?
Do you have a sample of dirt from a certain backyard in New Jersey?
Would you buy a limited facsimile edition of Aleister Crowley's Laundry Lists?
Would you brag about it if you did?
Have you ever tried smoking perique soaked in rum just because it wasCrowley's favourite?
Do you have the hospital bills to prove it?
Can you name all of Crowley's pseudonyms?
Have you ever used one of them yourself?

F: Arts and Entertainment


Have you ever seen The Devil Rides Out ?
Have you ever read Somerset Maugham's The Magician?
Do you collect Current 93 albums even though they suck?
Did you actually buy that $31.00 CD of Crowley reading his poetry?
Do you think the Simon Iff stories would play well on Mystery?
Do you think The Vision and the Voice would make a good interactive computer game?
Should completing the game successfully entitle you to the Grade of Magister Templi?
Do you collect Dead Can Dance albums?
Do you refer to the lead guitarist of Led Zeppelin as "Brother Page?"
Do you have a bootleg of Page's Lucifer Rising soundtrack?
How many Kenneth Anger movies have you seen? (One point each, limit eight since that's all there are!)
Did you understand any of them?

G: Social Life


How many Magical Orders do you belong to? (One point each, limit ten.)
Are you the Head of any of these Orders?
How many of these Orders have expelled you? (Bonus point if you werealso the Head of the Order.)
Do you live in the bad part of town?
Are the local street gangs scared of you?
Have you ever been arrested for carrying your Magical sword around?
How many Thelemic 'zines or newsletters do you get? (One point each, limit ten, electronic 'zines or e-mail lists don't count.)
Have you contributed to a Thelemic 'zine or newsletter? (E-zines don't count.)
Have you edited a Thelemic 'zine or newsletter? (Bonus point if you had to do the whole thing yourself.)
When traveling, do you plan your route so you can crash at other Thelemites' homes?
When visiting other Thelemites, do you spend the first half-hour looking at their books?
Can you be with another Thelemite for one hour without arguing?
Are arguments better than sex?
Are Crowley books better than sex?
Have you ever tried to combine all three?
Within one month of starting a new relationship, have you persuaded your new girlfriend to donate her monthlies to the cause? (Conversely, were you that girlfriend?)
Do you try to get your dates in the mood by reading from Snowdrops?
Does your family think you're going to Hell?
Does your family think you're dead?
Subtract one point for every relative you are on speaking terms with. (Limit ten.)

Grading:


0 points or less You are probably the reincarnationof Victor Neuburg, but that's all right, we won't hold it against you.
1 to 5 points Come on! Even John Symonds could do better than that!
6 to 10 points You've heard about Crowley and know to visualise the White Light whenever his name is mentioned so those evil satanic Crowleyites don't mess up your aura.
11 to 21 points You are a borderline case. Stop reading Starhawk and study the Bagh-i-Muattar.
22 to 43 points You are Thelemic but you need to work harder. We suggest a Magical Retirement to contact "the little clouds of deities that inhabit the nostrils."
44 to 55 points You are a dedicated Thelemite who can eat your weight in fluffy Neo-Pagans for breakfast, and probably does if given half the chance.
56 to 76 points You are seriously hardcore. You practically live in your Magical robes, subsist entirely on Cakes of Light, and have an aura so dark no one has actually seen you in years.
77 to 92 points You are almost certainly the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley. You now have the right to attend the annual convention at Boleskine.
93 points or more Even Crowley would be scared of you.
To send me your test scores, suggestions, fan or hate mail, clickhere.

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To give credit where credit is due, this was inspired by The Goth Test.
This page launched 25 May, 1997 e.v.
Last updated 4 March, 2000 e.v.